What Sort of Game Are You Playing?


This is why my foreign language was ASL. Gendered nouns can eat a bag o' dicks.

  • French: This chair is feminine! "La Chaise!"
  • Italian: This chair is feminine! "La sedia!"
  • German: This chair is masculine! "Der Stuhl!"
  • English: This chair is a fucking object, I don't see a skirt or a pair of trousers anywhere on its cold hard surface, you people are fucking insane.
  • Japanese: If you don't pronounce chair exactly right, you'll end up saying testicles instead.

How do I Tumblr

Okay, I realize I’m old and sad because I wish blogspot was still a thing (even though I really do not wish that) but is it too much to ask for Tumblr to just stop with the “about a month ago” or “4 days ago” and just goddamn label stuff with the actual date?

Actually, most of the time it makes no reference whatsoever to when it was that someone posted something. Jesus, am I thinking of Facebook? UGH YOU SEE WHAT YOU DO TO ME TUMBLR GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER

You know what…

…In terms of new game development, I would be perfectly fine with the idea of BioWare going to an Olympics-style schedule: give us a new Dragon Age game, then two years later a new Mass Effect game, alternating thusly forever.

That’s four years between installments in either series, but two years between updates to one or the other.

Dragon Age can be the Winter Olympics. You see bobsledders on your TV in February, you’ll be seeing Varric in Q3 the same year. You see javelin-throwing happening in July, get ready for spaceships just a few months later.

I am a genius.

The Night Before X-Mass Effect

I made a little something, and posted it to reddit a couple of minutes ago. For posterity, here it is:

The Night Before X-Mass Effect

’Twas the night before Christmas, and on Eden Prime,
The children had gone to bed - *mostly* on time.

The Relay sat quiet, as if it could sleep,
And longest-range sensors gave off not a beep.

The tendrils of nebulae glistened in grey,
As I steered my ship home from six light-years away.

My recon route finished, I powered the thrusters,
And headed for home with what speed I could muster.

My body felt tired, my eyeballs were hinky,
And after ten hours, yes, the cockpit was stinky.

But happy I was to be heading to base,
So I sat back reclining, a smile on my face.

When what should appear on my screen, straight ahead,
But a ship of bright silver, with trim green and red.

It hadn’t pinged sensors! How was it so close?
It was either a stealth ship, or some kind of ghost!

Evasive maneuvers! I lunged for the steering
When a voice on the comm laughed, deep and endearing.

The laugh sounded human, but pleasant and strange,
Like the way music warps as it comes into range.

I sat there dumbfounded, and chewed at my lip,
Then I opened the channel: “ahoy, unknown ship!”

“You’re approaching my base. Say from where you were sent.
“Please identify registry, faction, intent.”

But the laughter was kind, and its owner was gentle,
“Please forgive me, Lieutenant,” *(was I going mental?)*

“I thought by now you’d be back home, with the boys.
“I’m sorry to startle you. Just hauling toys.”

The deep voice continued, “I mean you no harm.
“The kids have been so good, this year on the farms.

“The Reapers are gone, but things just aren’t the same.
Still, if there’s no Christmas, that *would* be a shame.

“I have proper clearance; I’m sending it now.
But it’s your choice, Lieutenant, if you will allow.

“With all that has happened, I hope that you’re willing.
“Those trees need some presents, those stockings need filling.”

I didn’t need evidence. I simply knew
That the voice was the real thing, the story was true.

He sent his credentials, though, quelling all doubt,
With an audio file ending, “Yes. Hackett out.”

And so, that’s my story, my day in the sun,
And that’s how my call sign became “Rudolph-One.”



Jul 5

Cutest. I love this. I love this. I love that these grandparents were content and able to instantly find their favorite thing about the game and really enjoy it and relive something they love. I love that OP let them just row contentedly, rather than tell them the “right” way to play.


Cutest. I love this. I love this.

I love that these grandparents were content and able to instantly find their favorite thing about the game and really enjoy it and relive something they love. I love that OP let them just row contentedly, rather than tell them the “right” way to play.

(Source: gamergirlreviews)

Why the Green Ending of ME3 Sucks


TITLE CARD: “Ranthagusthia”

TITLE CARD: “a pre-spaceflight planet”

TITLE CARD: “completely untouched by the Reaper War”


A sturdy two-level hut, seemingly built of a combination of sleek aluminum-like metal and dried mud or organic material. There is a bright purple sky above, and the sun is just rising.

TITLE CARD: “Three hours after the Crucible Pulse went out”


TZORT awakes, rolling over and then getting up to place two of his six legs on the floor. He yawns, his probiscus twitching lazily. He tosses aside the blankets and stands up, then shuffles across to the bathroom.


He stands in front of the toilet, camera medium-close on his head and shoulders as he looks down. We notice that he has a delicate GREEN GLOW intermittently passing over every inch of his skin, and his eyes glow softly with the same green color. We hear a rustling sound and…


Aaaaahhhhhhhh! What the FUCK?! Tzingria! Honey! Where are you?


He rushes back out into the bedroom, pajamas still askew. We can’t be sure because of his alien anatomy, but there’s a chance his wang is literally flopping in the breeze. His mate, TZINGRIA, rushes in through the door. She has a similar appearance, and also has the green glow.


Aaaaaaaah! Oh shit oh shit oh shit. You’re green! You’re green!


What are you talking ab— (she has seen him now too) Aaaaaaaaah!




BioWare are clever-pants cartographers

So, for my little project, I’m doing a ton of planning. You kind of have to. Bad fan-fiction, when I see it, which I do as little as possible really… bad fan-fiction reeks of first-draftedness, or worse, stream-of-consciousness. Great as an exercise, but don’t make me watch that, man.

One thing I need to do is decide on the location of a, uh, special location. The MacGuffin is in a place, and I need to know just where that place is. So I’ve been referring to a very cool graphic someone made (if I can find it again I’ll link to it), putting together the galaxy maps from all three games, thus creating a full view of the relay network.

…And thus revealing something that’s just so goddamn clever and triple-A badass I wanted to share.

The nature of the relay network is such that it’s a skeletal framework that goes all over the galaxy. In between the dots themselves, however, there is a LOT of space. Literally. Someone said that the network really only accounts for maybe 3% of the galaxy, and that would seem to be pretty right. If it’s 100 to 150k light years from edge to edge, the galaxy tends to have at least a couple, and often more like 5 or 8 relays along any line that’s a radius. And since the game suggests you can hop multiple relays in one transit, it really is pretty instantaneous getting from Point A to Point B, no matter where they are… as long as they’re near relays.

Logically, therefore, you’d want to build your colonies and outposts near Relays whenever possible. Nobody puts too much effort into better FTL that makes long trips easier, because Relays make travel downright trivial. Sure, there are those places that are a few hours or maybe a couple of days’ travel away from the nearest Relay, but that’s about it.  Story-wise, of course, that’s just the way the Reapers like it. Step into my web.

Our Local Cluster is a little remote actually, which fits the lore very well. We’re not on anyone’s beaten path, and getting to Earth means going through Arcturus first. It’s the only way here. Presumably, nobody else wanted it, because we found it empty.

Once you get to Arcturus and the Exodus Cluster, it’s really very wide-open. Arcturus links to lots of places. Again, smart planning tells a story even when it’s not part of the story. In this universe, humanity spread out a little tentatively at first, then a lot more aggressively. That’s completely logical, looking at the map, especially considering that for a couple of years, we didn’t realize anyone else was even out there.

The krogan and the Council Races are not so far away really, but their local relays link up to the Citadel. The humans have colonies all over the place. Again and again, the way things are set up simply reflects the reality of what BioWare had planned. It’s really quite smart.

So here’s to you, Planning the Galaxy Map People.

Oh god, another one

Yeah, I’m not dead. Whatever. I posted incredibly infrequently on Blogger, and it’s no different now. But this may be relevant to your interests.

I’m … look, there’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it, okay? I’m working on some fan-fiction.

The idea is, I need to get back into writing again, and I need to somehow get myself on to some manner of discipline, and just keep writing. I also need to stop worrying about whether it’s any good.

Oh, it’ll be good. Damn good. Because that’s how much I beat myself up about quality. But the thing is, even if it’s brilliant, it’s frickin’ fan-fiction. Nothing to get uppity about. This somehow helps me immeasurably. Besides, it’s what I’m interested in.

I’m hoping to do both an interstitial, “this is what another ship and crew was up to during ME2, both before, during, and after Shepard was dead for tax reasons” thing, as well as a future, 175-years-later, “don’t call it ME4” kind of thing.

I’m not saying I’m quite this ambitious, but if done well, it could be essentially, Cryptonomicon in the Mass Effect universe. If that elevator pitch doesn’t give you some degree of a chubby, I don’t even know.

Rat-bastard PS3 is out again

Dammit. I don’t want to buy another console until the next generation.

I’ll never finish DA2 at this rate, not to mention Journey or Walking Dead (well, okay, that can be played on XBox… And maybe it will be).

It Lives!

The PS3 apparently had some sort of falling-out with the HDMI interface in the TV. It needed to be reset, multiple times over several days, but it’s working fine now. Strangest thing.